Excerpt

I recently bought this book about "assholes" that we encounter on a daily basis, and surprisingly a lot of what I'm reading is true. There's 100 "asshole stories" and most of them got me laughing and thinking, "wow I do that." In many ways this book is making me realize things about myself that I hadn't before, an eye-opener. So, I've decided to share a story with the rest of you (chosen at random) and perhaps you too can see why I'm reading this book on my spare time. Enjoy.

Dear Constantly Cheery Asshole

You're not spreading joy, you're making us want to kill ourselves with your forced positivity and your phony perma-grin. Message received: you love life and you shit Technicolour rainbows. Now hop into a Crock-Pot and simmer down, because you're at a ten and we need you at a four. You're acting deranged, doodling smiley faces on things and skipping around like a hyperactive child who just overdosed on Pixy Stix. Life isn't that grand all the time, so put your unicorn pillowcases in storage and join the rest of us in the real world.

Regretfully,

P.S. Ease off on the red pills.