Goodbyes

Here goes round two of emotional goodbyes and an uncontrollable amount of "what ifs." From my previous post I've explained the 180 degree turn of my life and what I've been focusing on lately. I specifically left out mentioning the impact of working with special needs, one in particular. Through the working and friendship rapport I built with this kid I can truly say that I'm a much wiser person now, and more goal-oriented. I want to help this kid and it is this reason that drives me to accomplish, where one day I can hopefully change his life the way he has mine. I know it's an emotional rollercoaster, but I don't think anyone will ever understand the pain in saying goodbye to this kid. A week ago today he moved out of our group home to a place that is more suitable for him, where I can only hope that this place is truly better for him. A week ago today I lost a friend, and I can only promise him that I'll visit. A week ago today he was looking for me on the way to his new home because he wanted to say goodbye. I've explained to him several times that the new place will be good for him, better. But he refuses to believe this and the sadness in his face persistently shows. In his words, "I'm sad because I don't want to leave. I want to stay here and be your friend because I know being your friend makes you happy. I know you're happy when you work with me, so I want to stay." The impact of our conversation nearly left me with tears as I saw the pain he was in, the hurt he was going through, and the tears flowing down his face. I had to control my emotions for his sake; I couldn't let him see that I was sad because I wanted him to know that I was happy for him. They say that FASD kids have favourites...so I was his. If ever he was having a bad day he would sit down and talk to me, but with other staffs he would resort to aggression. If ever I was having a bad day he would ask and try to help with his imagination. I'd always have to explain that taking home an exam and letting him write it for me is not a solution - we laughed. I cannot paint in words how much this kid has impacted me, and if I had all the proper necessities in adopting him I would. This kid was more than a client to me; he was a friend who cared and valued our friendship.
Now, I hope he's doing okay and that he's adapting well to his new environment. I hope one day he understands why he had to leave. I hope he continues to grow and change lives the way he has mine. I hope one day his family would visit him, so the tears would stop flowing when he talks about them. I hope one day he realizes how special he is. During our goodbyes I told him several times that I'll always be his friend, always be here for him if ever he needed me. For now I think I'm just going to hope the best for him and let him settle in his new home, where hopefully the staff there will value his willingness to grow the way I have. I made a promise in visiting him and I plan on keeping it...because I owe it to him. It's amazing how these kids, this one in particular, can have such a toll on me. One day I'll see him again and I'll take him to the carnival he's been longing for. And on this day he'll teach me everything about life..

During our goodbyes he drew me this, and on the other side he wrote "I'm going to miss you." 

The important things

These past few weeks I've been focusing on my career and education to come ahead. There are many factors that triggered my motivation to succeed and go far in life. I've also derailed from the "party" lifestyle, where my nights are more calm and not a complete blur anymore. Yes some of you may find this boring, or not your typical Francis, but I've changed. It's not to say that I don't party anymore or have a social life. No. I've just decided to magnify the more important things in life. For the most part I'd probably just stay home and read though; I'm preparing for the upcoming term. Bars, clubs and parties will always be there, but opportunities like University don't just come and go. Education for me is probably one of the most vital aspects of life, where my interest to learn is what generally sparks my intent. I'm going to strive and hope for the best for myself. Call me a nerd, but I genuinely like studying and learning new materials on a daily basis. I actually enjoy staying in a library for hours and hours. Today I spent a good amount of money for two courses in fall that are not even related to my program - they are prerequisites, but that's okay because I know I'm one step closer to reaching my goal. Next week I'll probably pay for another one, and again, that's okay. At least now I know that I'll be going to school in Fall2013 - stoked. So, if you ever want to hangout with me your best bet would probably be asking me to go to a coffee shop with you.

A good friend of mine got accepted to a university and I couldn't be any happier for her. If we challenge and encourage ourselves then we'd understand more clearly the magnitude of....well life. In the conversation of Universities I've also learned to respect her family more because the amount of support they give truly defines them as a whole. The mother advocated for her daughter, and it is this role that makes me respect her, where going the distance for the people we care about is portrayed in their relationship. I preached the importance of family, but at the end of the conversation I don't think she needed my insights because, well, from her stories I've truly learned what the real definition is. The connection we have with our family is strengthen through the adequate support they provide, where that support is not something you can receive from anyone else. The support they provide is different. The support of family amplifies our future because without them than we wouldn't be the people we've grown to be. I've accepted that family moulds who we are, and without the guidance they give or the lectures we get from them than we would've failed in a lot of our obstacles. In hindsight, having this conversation with my friend has tweaked my perspective on the crucial understanding of what family is.
Life is so much more than what people on our social platform claim it to be, but it is also this reason that pushes me to simply achieve and accomplish. My social outlets like Facebook, twitter, and instagram create nothing but distress for me because the amount of wasted potential I see is nothing but sheer sadness. Let this be a post of it's own though.
Thus, my friends, make decisions in life that paints who you are as a person. Make decisions in life that stresses the importance of family. Make decisions in life that will make you happy and content with everything you've done. Don't let the challenges that life has to offer ever stop you from going far. 

The gifted

    When working I am generally happy and content with the direction of my life - the opportunity of working with special needs has truly changed a lot of my perspectives. I am not changing or helping a million lives out there, but I am giving these kids the life they truly deserve. The fact that I can help just one is enough for me because at the end of every shift I know I've done something good. Something right. A lot of people believe that working in this field is tough and requires a lot of patience, but I say otherwise. Working with this population is just like any other, and if you can look behind their diagnosis then you'd see they're normal kids who deserve better - so perhaps you've created a stigma behind special needs? Yes redirection may require some patience, but I've learned that respect also goes a long way. If you can respect who they are then they'll reciprocate a mutual understanding of who you are to them. It is also mandatory to put your personal problems aside when working to avoid disrupting the rapport you've built with the kids. You have to understand that you're a role model to these kids, and you have to gear all of your attention to them. You also have to encourage them to go out in the community, where my attempts of lying to them has failed after explaining, "No that stranger is not judging you...." What else can I possibly say to them  for the hurt to go away when I already know that they're smarter than some of us? It can take me a week to finish a 1000 piece puzzle, but some of these kids finish different ones on a daily basis. So, how do I steer them away from believing that they're being judged by the community they live in? How do I fool them? I'll advocate for them as much as I can, but the look in their faces when someone stares them down is sometimes too much to handle - even for me. I'll do everything I can for these kids to feel welcome and accepted in this world. I'll fight every battle that comes before them, and I'll be the backbone they need when they can't stand. At the end of every shift I know I've made a difference in their life, and have motivated for them to look forward for another day. These kids know the impact they've had/have on my life; they know they've made tremendous strides to who I am today because sometimes they'll tell me, "Thank you for working with me." My friends, I cannot paint to you how rewarding it is to hear that or how inspiring these kids are. Perhaps the next time you see a special needs individual you can thank them because without them the insights they've instilled in my life would not exist.